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5 ways to let go of toxic relationships

Set Your Boundaries & Say No

Setting boundaries in all of your relationships is the first critical step in respecting yourself. Start by analyzing your feelings. What do you tolerate and accept? Does this person cause you to feel anxious, nervous, stressed, or uncomfortable? Really tune into your feelings — this is the only way that you can set healthy boundaries with yourself and others. Your intuition is stronger than you give it credit for — if something feels off, it’s likely your body giving you subtle warning clues.

Setting healthy boundaries is a skill that, unfortunately, we do not learn intuitively. Experiences in our youth can cause us to feel pressured to act a certain way and not enforce our boundaries when we need to for fear of disapproval. If you commonly struggle with saying ‘no’, you likely struggle with setting personal boundaries. But being unwilling to say ‘no’ or staying in a relationship to avoid the wrath of your partner is not healthy for either party.

If something is happening in your relationship that challenges these boundaries, ask yourself if this could change. All couples and friends argue - it’s simply a normal part of life. But, according to Karen Young, “…if you have to repeatedly live in the past or the future to tolerate the present,” it’s time to leave this unhealthy relationship behind. No one is allowed to make you feel inferior without your consent.

Focus on You

Advocate for yourself! RuPaul has famously said, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” The same can be said for cutting off toxic relationships.

Ask yourself: What do you want out of a relationship? How do you want to feel? A healthy relationship should be filled with mutual respect, communication and love. Even on the worst day, love should still feel like love. How do you want to be loved? Are you receiving that in your relationship? In your friendships? Does it feel one-sided? It might require a bit of work with a pen and paper, but spend some time writing down your feelings about the relationship.

Then, ask yourself: Is this relationship serving me? Maybe the relationship has changed since the beginning. Perhaps you fantasize about how you wish things could be or how you wish things were like they used to be. While we all dream of the perfect relationship, if this dream hasn’t come to fruition or it has fizzled into a distant memory, it might be time to reevaluate. A healthy relationship should be the source of happiness and excitement, constantly building you up to make you better, not letting you down. If your long lists of wants from the above question doesn’t match the relationship, it’s likely that it is no longer serving you and it is time to leave.

What is holding you back? As you’ve worked through the previous questions, ask yourself why are you still in the relationship. If you still believe in the fantasy, it’s time to stop making excuses. You have the choice in this situation. Don’t wait around for something to change. Don’t wait for the solution to fix magically fix itself because that will not happen. Advocate for yourself and what you want. The past cannot dictate and control your future — choose to live in the present. You need to make the choice that is the best for you and your mental health.

Don’t wait for the apology

Whether you’re currently in an unhealthy relationship, or you’re looking for ways to recover from a past toxic relationship, don’t wait for their apology. We expend far too much mental energy into wishing that this person understood what they did wrong. In your quest for closure, it leads to resentment and further mental anguish. A toxic person will never apologize. Instead, they will shift the blame, twist the story, and lie to convince you that their recollection of the truth is the right one. They use this form of apology as an alternate form of manipulation. But what is the point of an apology if it is fake and forced?

Forgiveness is hard. You don’t need an apology from this person to move forward. But a fundamental step in moving forward is learning from the past. So, instead, forgive them. Forgiveness is an intentional way to close the chapter on this toxic relationship and take back your personal power. While you can never change what happened, you can change what happens going forward. Your future self can’t step forward if you’re constantly being held back.

Allow Yourself to Be Sad

Too often, we’re focused on moving on from a past relationship that we don’t give ourselves adequate time to grieve. A breakup (whether a good or bad relationship) often times feels like a death — we no longer are able to talk or interact with this person in the way that are used to. But taking time to process the relationship fully allows you to better bring yourself to personal closure. With the ending of each relationship, we learn more about ourselves and this reflection point is an important part of self-discovery. While we often call it moving on, we are truly moving forward with our new experiences and views of the world. This experience helped shape you as a person.

Take some time to process your feelings. Don’t feel rushed to deny your feelings and get back into the world.

Focus on Your Self Care

Even though we just said to take some time to grieve the loss and process your emotions, it must come to an end. Don’t neglect your self-care. In fact, now is the time to be a bit selfish. If you’re more introverted, spend some quiet time with a great book. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones who are your support group.

Create a positive atmosphere around yourself. The healthiest way to purge the toxicity from the past relationship is to replace it with positivity. Go for a walk. Take a yoga class. Write in a gratitude journal. Start a new meditation practice or podcast. This time should be focused on you and filling the coffers of your own personal wellness. Do what feels good. Make yourself smile.

Amazing things can happen when you let go.