Trigger Warning: This post contains mentions of abuse and SA that may be distressing to readers.

What Is An Abusive Relationship?

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a subset of domestic violence. Whereas domestic violence can occur between a wide variety of partnerships/groups–ranging from parent and child to roommates–IPV only occurs between romantic partners, and is most often the focus when discussing abusive relationships and domestic violence.

An abusive relationship can best be defined as “a relationship where one person attempts to exert control and power over the other(s).” The abusive partner most often demonstrates what is known as a pattern of abuse, increasing in severity as the relationship continues (and even after it ends). Partners do not have to live together for an abusive relationship to occur. 

What Are The Different Types Of Abuse?

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is the most recognizable form of abuse. It occurs when physical violence–or threats of–are used by one individual to exert power and control over another. Abusers often use physical violence or threats as “punishment” and to instill fear.

A few examples of physical abuse include:

• Harming you, loved ones, or pets

• Reckless driving with you in the car

• Punching, biting, kicking, etc.

• The use of weapons against you, loved ones, or pets. (Women who were assaulted or threatened with a gun by their partners were 20 times more likely to be killed.)

• Strangulation

Important note: Strangulation and choking are often mistakenly used interchangeably. Choking occurs when something blocks your windpipe, such as a piece of food; strangulation, however, occurs when something–or someone–presses or squeezes your neck, whether with hands or by other means. Strangulation is very serious as it can quickly lead to seizures, permanent brain damage, and death. (Women who have been strangled by their partners are 10 times more likely to be murdered by their partner. (2))

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse–when an abuser attempts to control the victim's finances–occurs in 99% of abusive relationships (3).

Financial abuse can look like:

• Monitoring your spending

• Limiting how much you can spend/giving an allowance

• Stealing money from you/joint accounts

• Refusing to work or forcing you to be the sole breadwinner

• Intentionally damaging your credit score and other financial reports like taxes

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse occurs when a partner forces or coerces the other partner(s) into engaging in nonconcensual sexual activity. When sexual abuse is present in a relationship, a woman is nearly 8 times more likely to be killed by her partner.

IPV sexual abuse can look like:

• Knowingly giving you an STI

• Holding you down to have sex

• Using weapons during sex without your consent

• Forcing or coercing you into having sex with other people

• Forcing or coercing you into having sex when you don’t want to

• Engaging in sexual kinks that make you uncomfortable

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse, occurs when a partner repeatedly uses bullying-like, verbal behavior to harm another’s mental health and self-esteem. Emotional abuse can be exceedingly hard to identify as it is often subtle. However, it can also be blatant. 

Emotional abuse can look like:

• Name-calling

• Constant criticisms 

• Comparing you to other people

• Humiliating you in private or in public

• Setting unrealistic expectations and getting mad for not meeting them 

• Making you feel like you have to “walk a fine line” or “walk on eggshells” to avoid making them upset

• Silent treatment as punishment 

What Are The Signs Of An Abusive Relationship?

The majority of abusive relationships begin subtly for a number of reasons. In reality, abusers are not as easy to identify as they are in the movies. An abuser can wear an evil smirk or an award-winning smile; they can wear all black or all pink. In most cases, an abuser is someone you never would have suspected. 

Similarly, there is no “perfect victim.” No two abuse victims act just alike. This is what makes the signs of an abusive relationship hard to spot.

Thankfully, there are a few common indicators of abuse to look out for:

“Love Bombing”

Also known as “coming on strong,” we often romanticize someone pulling out all the stops immediately, taking charge, and clearly expressing interest; love bombers will tell you everything you want to hear very early into the relationship. While not all love bombers are abusers, most abusers will begin the relationship with excessive romantic passion. They are charismatic and charming, at first. 

Possessiveness

We often want someone who wants us all to themselves. We find it romantic when a lover can only picture themself with us (and vice versa). However, an abuser takes this ideology to an extreme. They can demand that you are only theirs. They may say things like “I’ll go crazy if I ever saw you with someone else” and mean it. 

Control

Many of us want someone we can grow with and learn from; we want to become the best versions of ourselves with our soulmate by our side. An abuser will tell you what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. They will say things like “This is best for you.” They will slowly strip away your autonomy. 

Isolation

An abuser's possessiveness has no bounds. They won’t stop at demanding that a victim is no longer friends with that flirtatious person at work. An abuser will slowly make sure that a victim stops seeing their friends, family, or anyone else. They do this to gain more control.

The Blame Game

An abuser will usually say they’re the victim. They’ll blame their parents, bosses, and even you. They’ll say everyone else promoted their behavior.

Gaslighting 

An abuser will do anything to make you believe what they say. They’ll twist words or outright lie to make you feel crazy. They’ll invalidate your feelings and beliefs so much so that you no longer trust your own memory or emotions. They do this to make you rely on them even more. 

Coercion 

They repeatedly suggest something until you finally “agree.” This pattern of behavior is used in many ways, including sexually. 

Tips For Leaving An Abusive Relationship

Make A Plan

Your plan should not be written. Your plan should include being prepared to leave at a moment’s notice. If possible, practice your plan in advance and make alternative plans or steps in case anything goes wrong. Memorize important numbers and addresses to contact without writing them down.

Use Code Words

Do not use direct speech that could notify your abuser. Use clever code words when communicating with kids, friends, and family. These code words could indicate it’s time for you to find a space for the night or leave immediately.

Find Spaces

Locate safe spaces within your home or local shelters that you can quickly escape to.

Do Not Tell Your Partner

Never tell your partner you are planning to leave. Domestic abuse victims face the most danger when their partner knows the relationship is ending. 

The most important thing to remember is that the victim or survivor of domestic abuse is never to blame. If you find yourself or a loved one in an abusive relationship, know that you are not alone. You do have options. Make the safest decision for yourself and family while remembering that abuse is a pattern that rarely ends. Instead, it most often worsens. 

Resources:

• A List of Organizations that Can Assist All Types of Victims/Survivors

• Government Sponsored Resources (including housing assistance programs)

• National Sexual Assault Hotline

Sources:

(1) Domestic Violence Statistics, thehotline.org

(2) The Dangers of Strangulation, thehotline.org

(3) About Financial Abuse, nnedv.org