Grill commercials consistently remind us that our fathers deserve invincible titanium steel and cigars. “World’s Best Dad” mugs greet us in grocery stores for weeks straight. These reminders may be more digestible for some because they are not as frequent as the reminders of other holidays in the country. 

Father’s Day may be one of the least advertised holidays in America, but that doesn’t make the day go by any easier. The truth is, Father’s Day is hard for some. In general, celebrations are either times of great joy or intense sorrow, but Father’s Day tends to sting a little differently for a few reasons.

Coping When Father’s Day is Difficult 

There are many reasons why this day may not bring you joy.

Maybe you’ve never met your father.

Maybe your relationship with your father is a little rocky.

Maybe you grew up under the same roof as your father, but he was always distant.

An absent father, physically or emotionally, is a hard burden for children to live with. To make matters worse, it’s a common burden children are forced to endure. Without diving deep into a social critique, fatherhood is an inherently different form of parenting than motherhood and one that often leaves children yearning for a stronger bond with their father. You are not alone. While hard to find, there are support groups for children of absent fathers that are there to validate your experience and make you feel whole again, like Daddy Thirst - Healing the Impact of Fatherlessness.

To cope on Father’s Day:

• Do not celebrate if you do not want to

• You are not compelled to buy a gift or say “Happy Father’s Day!”

• Spend the day doing your favorite activities instead

If your father has disowned you

Rejection hurts. There is no more simple way to put it. Rejection from a parent can be irreversibly painful. If you’ve experienced forced isolation from your father, this holiday may serve as a reminder of feeling like you’ve disappointed your father, been abandoned, or are unlovable. You are not alone in this experience. You may find support from sites like Reddit, where other children share, validate, and console one another who have endured similar heartbreaks. 

To cope on Father’s Day:

• Embrace family and friends that make you feel loved and valued

• Avoid going out for lunch or dinner if seeing families celebrate triggers you

If your father has passed away

Whether a father was the world’s greatest dad or was simply not there, a child may never fully heal from a father’s passing. Time may subdue the wound, but the scar may remain. That is a part of the grieving process. Unfortunately, Father’s Day may be the time of the year when the wound feels open again. 

To cope on Father’s Day:

• Write a letter to your father, maybe reading it aloud to yourself or family

• Visit their grave or caress their urn

• Reminisce on photos, videos, and memories

• Lean on cherished family and friends

• Celebrate by doing your dad’s favorite activity. (For example, if he loved to golf, take a friend or family to enjoy a day of mini golf.)

But, above all else, understand that there is no one-size-fits-all answer for what to do when Father’s Day is difficult. However, while it may seem easiest to ignore the day completely, ignorance may not be the best journey towards healing. Inner child wounds may be best healed through soft, gradual acknowledgment and coping, such as therapy. This is not to say that you are compelled to celebrate Father’s Day. Absolutely not. Yet, inner child healing may call for acknowledging the day and why it hurts. Because there is validity in whichever reason the day evokes pain.

How To Support Your Child

It’s not easy to be a parent. Being a parent of a fatherless child may be even that much harder. If your child has been abandoned, disowned, or has experienced the loss of a father, you may be wondering how to love them this holiday. Reminding your child of their worth, lovability, success, and everything else is a solid foundation of making Father’s Day more comfortable for your child. You may also want to take the initiative, even if they are grown. Invite them to spend the day with you, cook their favorite homemade meal, or send them a card. Helping them acknowledge that it’s okay for Father’s Day to be difficult will undoubtedly assist in their healing journey. 

Dealing With Guilt on Father’s Day

For me, Father’s Day was always the worst day of the year. It was a reminder that my father chose not to be with us, to only wish me a happy birthday three or four times in my twenty-four years, and to not even remember my first name. This June holiday—always within a week of my birthday—was the day that reminded me more than any other that I’d never be like the pretty girls in the movies with loving, yet distant fathers. I wouldn’t even be like the girls with strict fathers. It reminded me that I’d always be fatherless, just another girl with daddy issues. For that, bitterness always seems to engulf me in June, and this bitterness leads to guilt. 

I always feel sad that I cannot be truly happy for others on Father’s Day. I now recognize this bitterness—and then, guilt—reoccurs because for many years, I refused to acknowledge the day. I fought back against my mom who insisted we celebrate my “father figures” because they did not replace the void of my biological dad. 

However, this June, I intend on embracing the holiday as best as I can to alleviate guilt and bitterness. I now recognize that fighting against the celebrations does me more harm than good. Father’s Day will still happen, whether I am locked in my room or spending time with family.