It’s Time To Stop Saying Yes To Everything
I’m guilty of it. You’re guilty of it. Having had a discussion this weekend with several other like-minded Millennials, we came to the conclusion that we are the generation of the “more work, less sleep” mentality. What’s probably more interesting is that Millennials, by and large, don’t have that reputation. If you asked the generations before and (shudder) the generation after us, we have the stereotype of the overly entitled, self-absorbed, lazy (yet environmentally-conscious), avocado toast-eating job hopper. We’re the generation of the participation trophy and tech obsessions.
But, would it really surprise you to know that we are also work obsessed? A recent Harris Poll (2023) suggests that Millennials (and a growing number of Gen Z) are more likely to become “work martyrs,” effectively giving up more vacation days and working longer hours than their counterparts.
Research transcends the idea of the “lazy Millennial,” showing that Millennials are more concerned about “being away from the office” than other generations. This has created a culture of work-obsessed minions, eternally searching for the next promotion or job accolade.
““This research transcends the idea of the “lazy Millennial,” showing that Millennials are more concerned about “being away from the office” than other generations. This has created a culture of work-obsessed minions, eternally searching for the next promotion or job accolade. “”
So, therefore, it comes as no surprise that we find ourselves completely, and utterly, overcommitted. Let’s see a show of hands. Raise your hand if you’ve ever said “yes” even when you didn’t want to. Raise your hand if you have ever felt guilty for saying “no.” Raise your hand if you felt that "yes” was the only acceptable answer. Raise your hand if you agreed to something even when you knew that you didn’t have the time or mental capacity to accomplish it. If we looked around this fictional room right now, it’s likely we would see almost everyone’s hand in the air. Maybe even some people with two hands raised.
So, why do we do this?
Overcommitting Does Not Equal Productivity
For many of us—myself included—the idea of too many commitments comes directly from the idea that “more is better.” Can you finish one project? Two must be better. (Could you juggle three? Because that would be great.) Our work culture has been created in such a way that an empty minute is a wasted minute. Or, rather, we’re not successful at our job unless we are swamped and overwhelmed.
Let’s think about a post-work happy hour. When mingling with coworkers, it becomes a measuring contest—one where everyone goes around the table explaining just how busy they are, with each person seemingly busier than the last. If someone said that they finished their work early and admitted to leaving the office at lunch time for a nap, you’d likely consider that person lazy. But are they? Perhaps they’re simply just more efficient.
Efficient time management comes from the simple reality that all time is finite. There are twenty-four hours in the day, regardless of how busy (or not) you are. Realizing that there is only X amount of time frees you to the possibility of accepting what you can and cannot finish. By looking at these constraints as a whole, it’s actually possible to strategically allot time to invest in the areas that you find most important and say “no” to the things that wouldn’t be a valuable use of your time.
So, how do we stop?
Start Saying “No”
One of my favorite quotes comes from Steve Jobs, who famously prided himself on his ability to say “no.” At a press conference in 1997 he said, “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.”
Saying “no” refers back to our idea of a finite amount of time. By saying “yes” less, you’re able to focus on the projects at hand in a more constructive manner, without outward pressure or distractions. Saying “no” to quantity also translates into a focus on quality, which most people would agree is a far better thing.
Listen to your Gut
When I’ve talked to clients and friends about feeling overcommitted, a very common line of reasoning that comes up is guilt. Many people feel guilty about saying “no,” and therefore, feel obligated to continue with plans or work assignments even though it makes them feel overwhelmed.
These feelings are highly valid because often, societal pressure dictates that we say “yes” to spending time with family, friends, or coworkers in order to have a “full” social calendar. But the feeling of overcommitment varies from person to person, so it’s important to listen to your gut, not what others are saying.
Do you feel that taking on an additional project at work or social obligation would compromise your mental health? Ask yourself:
Would I feel anxious/nervous or overwhelmed by saying “yes”?
Would I rather focus on something else?
Are my personal needs being met?
Does saying “yes” work towards my end goal?
Answering these questions honestly is one of the first steps towards listening to your gut.
Put Yourself First
The idea of feeling guilty when overcommitting comes up again here. Far too often, we put the needs and desires of others in front of our own. Just like when you’re on an airplane and you’re instructed to put your oxygen mask on before helping others, it’s the same idea here. Your needs matter. You matter. By putting the needs and desires of others before your own, you sacrifice your own mental health. I’m a big believer in personality tests (such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or Enneagram) as a way to identify your specific ways of coping, recharging, and energizing. You are an energy container; you cannot serve others if you are empty.
Prioritize Self-Care
Self-care has to come first. Are you looking forward to a big night out? How disappointed would you be if instead, you suddenly came down with a cold? By sacrificing self-care, we’re stressing our immune system to the brink as we under sleep, under eat, and simply under rest! And no, self-care doesn’t have to be rest.
For some, they find that they can recharge their internal battery best by being around people (that’s the extroverts among us!). But for others, being home alone with a good book is far more recharging. What you do for yourself—and the time that you set aside—is self-care, no matter if that looks vastly different than your friends’ self-care practices. Prioritize the items that fill you up before you focus on others. When I find that I’m struggling with anxiety from being too busy, blocking out an hour of my day for “me” time makes a tremendous difference.
Cut Yourself Off from Distractions
Put down your cell phone. Today’s culture of being an arm’s reach away from your cell phone only fuels your anxiety. By being so accessible via phone or email, it sets a precedent that it is always okay to reach out. How often have you said, “Oh, it’s okay. She’s always near her phone….” even when it’s past work hours. Not only are you violating their boundaries, it’s likely a work/life boundary that you would want to be upheld as well.
Being constantly available also includes the presumption that you’ll respond quickly. Allowing this to happen translates into more opportunities to feel obligated to take on an extra work commitment or feel overwhelmed. Setting boundaries for yourself goes back to the initial point of saying “no” and putting yourself first.
If you’re working on a project that requires your full focus, don’t stop what you’re doing in order to respond to every email as it comes into your inbox (except the truly urgent ones, of course). When someone gets an instant email response once, they’ll expect it from you every time. Instead, set aside blocks of time throughout the day to dedicate to emails. Not only will you feel more organized, but you’ll write more thoughtfully while still responding in a timely manner.
If your office hours end at 5pm, set the boundary that you will not answer emails outside of work hours. While this in no means includes all professions, let’s face it—most things are not so pressing that they can’t wait until the following day.
And, while it might not always be realistic to distance yourself from your phone, being mindful to avoid checking your phone every five minutes goes a long way in freeing yourself. Try setting a phone “bedtime” for yourself—after a certain time each night, turn on the “Do Not Disturb” feature and set your phone aside. Simple, but it works!
