Can Long Distance Relationships Work? Here’s How, According To Experts
I’ve had my share of long-distance situation-ships, but I recently had to maintain a long-distance relationship from Spain while my partner was in Japan for two months. This meant she was always in the future and I was about seven hours behind. Frankly, we had good moments where we felt strong as a couple and the distance strengthened our relationship, but also there were heavy, and stressful times.
Days felt long, I missed physical intimacy, and times felt like we lived in two completely different worlds. No matter the distance, the amount of time, and no matter the couple, having to work through a long-distance relationship can be tough, but can reap many rewards. The time apart can be an individual learning experience and as a couple. This includes learning to let go or learning how much you want to be with that person.
From personal experience and advice from therapists and relationship coaches, below are helpful recommendations in case you’re taking that step to be in a long-distance relationship with your partner.
Tips for Long-Distance Relationships
Share Your Day
Sharing my day and hearing about my girlfriend’s day as she visited home was such a pleasure. We were on completely different continents, so knowing her plans for the day or the next helped me feel connected to her and vice versa. We also shared our days through photos, selfies, and even sweet compliments. Relationship Coach, Saudia Twine, shares that, a big ‘no’ in long-distance relationships is little or poor communication.
Twine elaborates, “Not sharing your day-to-day world with your partner can be harmful [to the relationship]. The distance does not allow you to be in each other’s space, so learning to build constant and detailed communication while afar is essential.” Although your day may not have been eventful, sharing your daily life makes the person part of your world. Twine also says, “Sharing with detail your thoughts, feelings, dreams, etc. so [you] can learn the core of the person builds emotional connection and a relational bond.” These daily conversations can help build trust and intimacy while far apart from one another.
Avoid Important Conversations Via Text
It’s important to converse daily, but under certain circumstances, whether it be a job or a huge time difference, that can’t always happen. Licensed Relationship Therapist, Billy Roberts, states, “Couples should avoid serious conversations via text.” That’s why it is important to have deeper conversations over the phone—or even better—via FaceTime or video call. This doesn’t mean to not text throughout the day. These simple messages are a way to show your partner that they are still part of your day and can increase emotional connection and build partner responsiveness.
While you’re apart, the worst thing to do is to ignore your feelings, especially if you’re feeling uncomfortable, upset, anxious, or insecure about something in the relationship. It might be hard to not send a harsh text, but it’s better to save it for the next time you’re going to speak with your partner over the phone. Don’t feel like this only counts for the icky feelings, either. Sharing the positive ones too, or something special that occurred throughout your day, is more rewarding to share through a phone call for each of you!
Manage & Communicate Expectations
Managing and communicating expectations is better to discuss before you or your partner leave, but it’s important to know when the expectations need to be adjusted. This is bound to happen, especially if you are away from each other for months or more. Before my partner left for Japan, we agreed to talk every evening over FaceTime. However, as time went on, this didn’t happen every night because of our changing schedules, but we made sure to communicate this in advance.
““Have expectations of one another and make sure your partner knows what they are. If you fail to tell someone what you expect, you are certain to find yourself frustrated or hurt and it isn’t fair to your partner. Those expectations can be anything from who travels when, to what time and how often you FaceTime at night.””
Relationship Therapist, Heidi Augsburger, advises, “Have expectations of one another and make sure your partner knows what they are. If you fail to tell someone what you expect, you are certain to find yourself frustrated or hurt and it isn't fair to your partner. Those expectations can be anything from who travels when, to what time and how often you FaceTime at night.” It’s normal for communication dynamics to change over time, but being aware of when to adjust and ensuring you’re both on the same page is essential during a long-distance relationship.
Create & Maintain Intimacy
It is essential to create and maintain intimacy when far apart. There are five forms of intimacy: emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and experiential. It is a challenge to maintain all five during a long-distance relationship, but being open and honest with yourself and your partner creates opportunities to build different forms of intimacy.
Nina Nguyen, Sex Educator, shares, “Communicate what you feel, the good and the bad things; the good news, your fears, and even your concerns, if you're feeling them. Distance already takes a toll on the communication process, so being open and transparent is needed to compensate for that.”
““Communicate what you feel, the good and the bad things; the good news, your fears, and even your concerns, if you’re feeling them. Distance already takes a toll on the communication process, so being open and transparent is needed to compensate for that.” ”
Being in a long-distance relationship may require more intention to share your concerns and to be more vulnerable with your partner since time to communicate could be limited. Choosing to speak about your feelings, comfortable or not, and listening to your partner's feelings too, builds trust in any relationship—long distance or not.
Be Creative With Dates
Just because you’re far apart doesn’t mean you can’t have dates with your partner. You just have to be a little more flexible and creative. Licensed Relationship Coach, Emily Dean, also shares, “While the usual texts and video calls are fine and contribute to a safe and consistent communication schedule, mixing it up will keep things exciting. Whenever possible, take turns going on interesting, long-distance dates. Consider spicing up things in the bedroom, too — You can add mutual masturbation or try out different sex toys together to boost your physical intimacy levels, too.” Always communicate and think of dates that you are both comfortable with. Keep in mind that trying something new with your partner creates more intimacy, too!
Also, figuring out ways to validate your partner’s love language from afar can help you think of long-distance date ideas. Simon Koger, Relationship & Grief Coach explains, “For example, if their love language is quality time, do dinner dates on Zoom. If it is physical touch, there are a few virtual message box options out there that alert when you send a message. Maybe their love language is acts of service or gift giving, that is where food delivery or sending an online gift can be helpful. Words of affirmation are probably the easiest to do from afar as long as you actively think about sharing how you feel with your partner.”
““...if their love language is quality time, do dinner dates on Zoom. If it is physical touch, there are a few virtual message box options out there that alert when you send a message. Maybe their love language is acts of service or gift giving, that is where food delivery or sending an online gift can be helpful..””
Other long-distance date ideas are:
Buy Dinner for Each Other: You both can agree you’ll buy each other dinner by ordering your partner some delivery and vice versa from a favorite or new restaurant. Then, you both can eat together at the same time via FaceTime.
Movie Night: For the weeks when you’ve both had a busy week and simply want to relax with each other, pick a movie that you both can watch on separate streaming accounts. Remember to press “Play” at the same time to be sure you’re watching the movie simultaneously.
Work Out Together: If you and your partner enjoy working out, pick a workout video from YouTube for the both of you to follow and see each other through Zoom. If you both have time after, you can share a smoothie or a meal after the class.
Planning a Future Date: Although you might be in different cities, there may be an upcoming weekend you’re scheduled to meet. Think of a date or trip that you’d like to have with your partner the next time you see each other in person—maybe a staycation, a trip to the local farmer's market, or a sports game. Having an event to look forward to creates excitement and motivation for both you and your partner.
Give Each Other Grace
Again, long-distance relationships are not easy. As in any relationship, some days are harder than others, so it’s important to be more understanding and forgiving on the more challenging days apart. Emily Dean also recommends, “Cut each other some slack by being flexible and forgiving. When you throw different locations and possibly even time zones into the mix, there's an increased demand for compassion, understanding, and compromise.”
From experience, when I didn't have a good day, it was easier for me to feel stressed out and assume the worst. I learned this meant I needed to give myself that same grace. That could look like adding more rest, sharing your feelings with your partner, or taking yourself out on a date.
Have a Deadline
Having a specific duration of time is significant to a long-distance relationship because, without one, you and your partner are working with a moving target, with no finish line in sight.
Psychologist, Dr. Rosmy Barios, shares, “The deadline is one of the main factors determining a long-distance relationship’s success. If you know a specific date when you can already be together, it will be much easier to stay in a long-distance relationship. Counting down the date will bring hope in more difficult times, as it will act as a comfort.”
““The deadline is one of the main factors determining a long-distance relationship’s success. If you know a specific date when you can already be together, it will be much easier to stay in a long-distance relationship. Counting down the date will bring hope in more difficult times, as it will act as a comfort.” ”
Not having a deadline can have you or your partner feeling hopeless on the harder days. Also, having this date can help you both navigate if a long-distance relationship is worth it for both of you. So, it’s only fair to the both of you to have a clear date or time that you are both able to achieve your goals as a couple, as well as something you can accept as an individual.
Be True to Yourself
A big lesson in long-distance relationships is communicating your needs and maintaining your own life while apart. Licensed Counselor, Salome Saah, says, “Be true to yourself as to whether or not a long-distance relationship is for you.” This might be a difficult question to answer, but it's crucial to not have the relationship get in the way of your own life.
I had to ask myself this question because I am simply not a fan of long-distance relationships. However, I learned more as time went on, that I wanted to be with my partner, and the extra work and the harder days were worth it. Having open and honest communication is key between you and your partner, but also how you do it with yourself.
Navigating through long-distance relationships and discovering what works and does not work for you and your partner might be the most challenging part. It is healthy to be aware that communication and trust are tested during long-distance relationships.
However, it is important to learn as you go, what your needs are, your partner's needs, and how to communicate them. Being in a long-distance relationship can reap so many lessons about how you interact in a relationship, what makes you tick (and doesn't), what you love about your partner, ways the relationship can improve, and most importantly, how to take care of yourself.
