7 Tips for Dealing With Loss + Heartbreak
“…but in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes,” said Benjamin Franklin.
It’s the one constant in our lives. Death is not uniquely human — all living things must die. It transcends social standing; it transcends wealth. No one remains untouched by this finite state.
But what we do have control over is our reaction to death and loss and our ability to understand and process our feelings that surround it. For most, it’s easier not to talk about it. Like a strange dinner guest, many people, if asked, would choose to ignore the topic. Let’s say it for what is is: Grief is uncomfortable. While death is not uniquely human, our response is.
The end of a relationship can mimic the feeling of death. The loss of a loved one; the inability to verbalize last words. Giving validation to these feelings in both situations allows us to better understand our pain and heal.
““Let’s say it for what is is: Grief is uncomfortable. While death is not uniquely human, our response is.””
Understand That There are Stages to Grief
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed a five-stage system for how we process grief in which people tend to go through various stages of emotions after loss.
Stage 1 - Denial: Refusing to accept the loss.
Stage 2 - Anger: Resentment that this person is gone.
Stage 3 - Negotiation: Bargaining to prevent the cause of this loss.
Stage 4 - Depression: Experiencing the true pain of the loss.
Stage 5 - Acceptance: The final step in which a person can understand the loss.
These steps are not the same for everyone. They are also not concrete and you may find that you will experience all of them, or you may skip some. You may also spend longer in one stage than another. You might even find that you don’t experience them in a linear timeline, you may revert back to a prior stage. That is okay.
Allow yourself to grieve
“The only way out is through.”
If Elisabeth Kubler-Ross didn’t convince you, perhaps we’ll try again. Remember: you are grieving because you have loved. Each experience makes us who we are today. This experience, while painful and unpleasant, ultimately integrates into your entire being and shapes who you are as a person.
You learned from this experience. Even though it has been neatly categorized above, grief is not a linear process. We all feel and process our emotions differently. Sometimes it might feel like we are going nowhere. Some days might feel harder than others. But allow yourself to grieve. Let your feelings exist. However painful, embrace your feelings. You have a right to these feelings.
You don’t have to move on
We’ve probably all heard the phrase before: “Give yourself a week and then move on.” In fact, you could insert your own time frame here, but the point remains the same. There is no timeline. There is no point at which you “should” be over it. In fact, you don’t have to “move on.” Throw that phrase out the window. Consider this TED talk from Nora McInerny, where she discusses that we never “move on,” but instead, move forward. Moving on, she says, is taking the life and moments you shared with someone and invalidating them by leaving them in the past. Carrying your love for this person with you allows you to move forward into the person that you are becoming.
Take care of your physical and emotional wellbeing
“You cannot pour from an empty cup.”
We’ve shared many times on Swift that self-care is not simply massages and bubble baths. But taking time to practice self-care means honoring your current emotional state. That might mean saying no to social events or work projects that you can’t handle right now. It could mean practicing self-love and compassion by offering yourself grace. Self-care could even be the positive self-talk that you give yourself when you are alone. Now more than ever, it’s important to listen to the inner voice that is uniquely yours and give your body what it needs. How would you help a friend in the same situation? What would you tell that person? Wouldn’t you take your own advice?
Remind yourself that sadness isn’t permanent
Sadness, much like happiness, is not a permanent state. How different would the world be if we only experienced one emotion? If this is the first time that you have experienced a traumatic loss, it might feel like this sadness will never end or the tears will never stop flowing. The sky might feel like it’s pushing down on your head or walls are closing in around you. You might feel alone or abandoned. But even the coldest winter eventually turns to spring. As the broken bone heals, so too, will you. This feeling is important, but it, too, will pass.
Don't feed into guilt
Death and loss may be permanent but it is a natural part of life. While you take time to honor your feelings and accept the loss, don't allow yourself to feel guilty about the good moments in your life. Getting back into a routine isn’t selfish. In fact, finding solace in a routine may help you in the healing process.
Be active
Grief can feel overwhelming. As Elle Woods once said, “Exercise creates endorphins.” Challenge yourself to get outside. Unplug from electronics and social media and soak in nature. Take a class at your local gym. Give yourself the chance to break a sweat and allow your body to work to give your mind a rest.
Ask for help
While your grief is uniquely yours, your experience does not have to be isolating. Create a support network of friends and loved ones. Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who is trained in dealing with grief. This does not have to be a lonely experience.
