21 Questions To Ask A Potential Roommate Before Moving In Together
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I haven’t always been the best roommate. It’s that not that I am messy in shared spaces, play music too loud, or that I ignore personal boundaries. For me, it's quite the opposite. I am the invisible roommate. I rarely speak and only emerge when I think the place is empty or am unbearably hungry.
During my freshman and sophomore years, roommates did not appreciate my extreme introversion. They were both beautiful girls with genuine kindness and a giving spirit. If we had met in class or at the cafe, we probably would’ve been friends. Unfortunately, we met in our dorms—a place I wanted to be a quiet sanctuary. They didn’t. Still, they were very respectful of my clear preference for quietness.
But, they did what was best for them and moved the respective Spring semesters. Sometimes, I still feel bad that I wasn’t able to give them the friendship of a roommate they craved. My junior and senior year roommates and I faired better because they overly preferred personal space as well. I can count on less than two hands how many real conversations I had with both of them combined. We lived together, but I never knew their middle names and they never knew mine. It was the perfect situation for me.
When I Entered the “Real World”
I moved back home when I graduated for a couple of years because—well, you know—the economy. I was itching to move out of my mom's house and accepted the first job that allowed me to venture out on my own. I accepted a staggering nonprofit salary of $37,500. I needed to move out urgently because the job required on-call work, effective as soon as possible. This left little time to truly vet roommates. Big mistake. I joined all the Nashville rental groups I could find and messaged people like crazy.
But, I can honestly say, I did not really get to know one person. I rarely asked in-depth roommate compatibility questions. This was my first experience in these groups, and all I knew to ask was, “Can you show me the room?” I jumped the gun and said yes to a living situation that I would soon regret. The roommate seemed really nice. She had a huge dog, which was previously a deal-breaker for me, but I was desperate and ignored my boundaries.
Right before I signed the lease, the roommate texted me that someone flashed her outside of what would be my balcony. She contacted management, who informed her this happened about 18 months prior as well. I took the night to think about the situation and remorsefully declined to move in the morning my lease was supposed to be signed. To me, the biggest red flag was that management did not inform existing or potential tenants of ongoing sexual harassment. I would have been working on-call, meaning I could have needed to walk to my car at 3 am. That was too big of a risk for me.
I had already begun moving my furniture in and now had to awkwardly scramble and move out ASAP. This experience taught me a lot. It taught me to take my time when finding not only the right roommate, but the right landlord as well. I decided it was safer and less of a headache to splurge and get my own apartment in a well-reviewed complex.
““Although it’s faster to approach roommate searching like an interview, it may be less awkward to treat the searching as non-exclusive dating. Ask the questions in a conversation instead of an interrogation. You’re more likely to build a bond and get an honest answer.””
The Lessons I Learned
Now that I am preparing for a cross-country move, I have re-entered the shadiest place on earth: Facebook rental groups. However, this time, I’m prepared. Here are a few lessons I’ve learned:
Your boundaries are your best friend. Don’t ignore them or convince yourself it’ll be okay. You deserve your ideal living situation.
Stay under your budget. This may sound obvious, but that doesn’t make it any easier to follow, especially given the steep rise in rental prices. Spending less will mean you have more for emergencies (like needing to move out abruptly).
Look for keywords. If you like going out, look for postings that say they enjoy nights out on the town. If you want quiet, look for roommates who say they’ll probably be working nonstop.
Date around. Although it's faster to approach roommate searching like an interview, it may be less awkward to treat the searching as non-exclusive dating. Ask the questions in a conversation instead of an interrogation. You’re more likely to build a bond and get an honest answer.
Use different sites. How to find a roommate depends on the sites you visit. Use them all and compare your options. You may find that you enjoy Craigslist’s roommate selection or that you prefer your university roommate forum.
21 Roommate Compatibility Questions
What does your ideal roommate look like?
Asking this question first may save some headaches. If they list key traits that are opposite of yours, now is the time to mutually agree to not move forward. Also, be sure to be honest when they ask you the same question. When you live together, the truth is bound to come out sooner or later.
How will you be paying for rent?
It’s safe to assume most roommates rely on their other roommate(s) to pay their rent. Pay attention to any hints at financial instability or unreliability. It’s never okay to spend the last dollar in your bank account because your roommate can’t pay their share.
What time do you go to bed/wake up?
As long as they are quiet getting ready for the day or bed, this question may not matter, but additionally clarifying “How well do you sleep?” will tell you just how quiet you need to be and at what times.
What is your job/school schedule like?
a.k.a How often will you be gone and what time will you be coming in? Knowing your roommate's schedule may help you create your own, especially if either of you goes to school or works remotely. You may need to plan around each other to use common study and workspaces.
How often do you go out?
Also known as: How often will you be gone at night or Will you be coming home drunk? This response can also gauge safety expectations by knowing in advance when or how often you’ll be alone at night.
How often do you drink?
Being direct can speed up this process. Many people who do not drink do not feel comfortable around those that do and vice versa. For many, excess or complete absence of drinking can make or break a living situation.
Are you political?
Because politics can bring about such heated discussions, ask early on what their beliefs are. This is not to be invasive but to better understand if you’ll be truly comfortable with each other.
What do you consider neat?
On most roommate pages, you’ll find that just about everyone says they’re ‘clean’ or ‘neat,’ but what does that mean really? Listen closely to their responses because one person’s neat could be another’s dirty.
Do you like to cook/eat out?
Looking for the right apartment or home means covering all of your bases. There are those who eat out often so they could care less what the kitchen looks like, while there are foodies who view the kitchen as the most important room of the house. Plus, this is a good question to gauge just how much sharing will happen in the future.
What stresses you out most?
A follow-up question to this could be, “How do you deal with this?” Not everyone is emotionally prepared to room with someone whose biggest stressor is their partner, and they cope by needing to vent to the nearest person—you.
Do you have any pets or allergies?
Pets in shared spaces can be tricky. Some fur babies require a lot of care and attention, not to mention causing allergies. Get detailed with this question. Find out if they plan on owning any pets while living in the shared space, and also find out exactly what pet(s) they have. You may be comfortable living with a butterfly, but not a Great Dane or vice versa!
How do you feel about overnight guests?
How someone responds to this can be a major dealbreaker. Some roommates just aren’t comfortable sharing their home, especially with guests of the opposite sex. Firmly set expectations around overnight guests before moving: How many nights can they stay? How often? Can my mom stay the night? What about my boyfriend?
What are your deal-breakers?
Honestly, any (or all) of these questions and more can be deal-breakers, depending on the person. Write down your top 3-10 deal-breakers and ask them to do the same. If your lists match exactly, you just may have found the perfect roomie!
What are your pet peeves?
Pet peeves are minor inconveniences that build up over time to become deal-breakers. Write down all of your pet peeves and ask them to do the same. It’s also a good idea to explain why your pet peeves are what they are; this could be a light-hearted get-to-know-you game!
Will you be smoking in the home?
Smoking is even trickier than drinking. It’s often not legally permitted, and some roommates aren’t okay with (or don’t care about) breaking the rules. Establish rules around smoking early on in the vetting process.
Are you still friends with your old roommates?
How we maintain our relationships speak volumes about our character. Responses to this question can give clues on if living with this person comes with drama or fun.
How do you spend your weekends?
This is another angle to clarify your potential roomie’s social life and a way to plan your days. You may want to rethink your Saturday morning sleep-in sessions if your roommate likes to vacuum early on the weekends.
How do you handle disagreements?
Sometimes, it’s not what you say, but how you say it. This is especially true in arguments. If you’re not fond of bluntness or confrontation, you may prefer fleshing this response out sooner rather than later to avoid unpleasant situations. Also, this question will let you know if the potential roommate is mature or if they still handle things in a petty manner.
What is your best habit? Worst?
A carefree person may not want to room with someone whose best habit is sticking to a schedule. Of course, you and your roommate do not have to love each other’s habits, but finding someone with similar habits can ease your daily living situation.
Would you want to throw parties or get-togethers in the home?
This is another deal-breaker for many. It’s also important to ask as many clarifying questions as possible with this one: What type of parties? How long will they last? What room will they be in?
Are you looking for a friend or just a roommate?
This may be one of the most important questions to ask because it sets the tone for your overall living situation. Awkward situations and hurt feelings are bound to arise if one person expects to become friends, while the other couldn’t be less interested.