10 Clues You Might Have A Toxic Friend (And How To Break Up With Them!)
The signs of a toxic friendship are usually subtle. We don’t realize it until it’s severe. A part of this could be because we only want to see the best in those we love. Not many of us jump at the chance to assume it is our best friend who is the one draining us by the end of the day. Friends are supposed to be different from our family—whom we are born into—and from partners, where breakups are relatively common. Friendship is supposed to be forever.
After all, they say that our friends are our chosen family. They are the people we meet along the way that make life worth living. However, on occasion, we wear rose-colored glasses around some friends. Too often we can’t see each red flag as we drive past —and there can be many, trust me. Before we know it, we start wondering when life got so hard—and how the friend who once made life so easy makes each day unbearable.
What is a Toxic Friend?
A toxic friend may not be an enemy, but they’re still not good for you. Toxic friendship can actually lead to severe consequences on your well-being, often contributing to depression or extreme stress-related symptoms, such as high blood pressure. This type of relationship can also just make you feel drained, undervalued, and not yourself.
If you have wondered what a toxic friend looks like, this is the “friend” who always plays just a little too much in front of your crush. The friend who never seems to make it to your dinners. And the friend who uses you as an unofficial therapist six times a week.
I know what you’re thinking: friends are allowed to make mistakes. While—of course—it is okay for anyone to make a few wrong turns here and there, toxic friends are consistent in their faux pas. There eventually comes a point when you start to realize their mistakes are all but intentional. When you bring up how they make you feel, they lie, deny, and gaslight.
““[Toxic friendships] are the basis of many beloved sitcoms. Rachel and Monica were the best friends we were supposed to look up to, despite both being quite self-involved...I’d argue that it’s hard for us to recognize toxic friendships early on because toxicity is romanticized in our everyday media.””
Some of you reading this may think this kind of relationship will never happen to you, and I hope it doesn’t. Still, toxic friendships are more common than you even realize. They are the basis of many beloved sitcoms. Rachel and Monica were the best Friends we were supposed to look up to, despite both being quite self-involved. Fez loves Rue, but also—quite literally—gives her the tools to end her life early in Euphoria. Gossip Girl’s Blair and Serena considered each other fierce competition before becoming friends for life. I’d argue that it’s hard for us to recognize toxic friendships early on because toxicity is romanticized in our everyday media.
What Are The Signs of a Toxic Friendship?
So, what exactly makes a friend toxic? Well, there are many ways for someone to be toxic to you. Ten examples of a toxic friendship are:
You feel like they don’t support you.
Every person in your life should offer support or, at the very least, constructive criticism that considers your feelings. An unsupportive friend can easily become toxic when your feelings are scarcely considered. You may begin to feel as though your friendship means nothing to them each time they flake on your celebration dinner, or when they don’t say congratulations on your new job, or worse, when they don’t even reach out when you get really sick.
This type of friendship is especially dangerous because feeling unimportant in a relationship could lead to feelings of being less than. An uplifting friendship will help you feel like you can conquer the world because you’ll have them by your side and behind you to catch you when you fall.
You feel like they are taking advantage of you.
Have you ever felt it was safe to vent to a friend because they just told you everything? But when you try to, they shut you down? Suddenly, they’re too tired to talk anymore or they tell you are being insensitive for trying to make this about you. When this happens one too many times, it becomes a toxic friendship.
Your listening skills are being overused, while you’re forced to bottle up how you feel. There can also be times where a friend may ask for money and never pay you back, or constantly take your clothes without asking because they just fit so well. This is the friend who always needs a favor, but rarely has a gift to give. A positive friendship has balance where you both give and take equitably.
You notice they always criticize you.
Not everyone in our life will always be happy with our choices and, that’s okay. Sometimes, we may need a little tough love. But other times, it isn’t just tough love; it’s criticism that tears down our self-esteem. Have you ever noticed a friend who always has something negative to say about your outfits, your love life, your bank account, and well…everything else? A good friend will support you—if even from a distance—even when they don’t agree. A toxic friend will break you down and can make you feel like you don’t deserve support.
You cannot trust them.
A clear sign of a toxic friendship is a lack of trust between you both. All relationships need trust to survive. Isn’t your bestie the person you should be able to tell anything to without fear of judgement? If it does not feel safe to share what’s going on with the person sitting next to you, then they probably shouldn’t be by your side. A strong friendship means that anything from the most boring bits of your workday to your dirtiest childhood secret can be shared without much fear.
You know they gossip about you.
The only thing that feels worse than being judged by one friend is being judged by more friends, family, strangers (or whoever else) that just learned the news that you only shared with one person. There is little reason for a true friend to tell your business in a gossipy manner to anyone else, even their sister. A toxic friend can be someone who always breaks your trust by sharing your personal details with whomever they please; this is not somebody who values your feelings and privacy as a good friend would do.
You should be able to feel safe around them.
Feeling safe shouldn’t be considered a luxury. It is a necessity. A good friend should be able to respect your boundaries when you say that going to the house of the guy y’all just met in the bar isn’t your vibe for the night. No friend should ever knowingly put you in a position where you feel like you’re in danger. If your friend has ever made you feel unsafe in any way, chances are they are toxic.
You do not feel comfortable with them.
Feeling comfortable is one step above feeling safe. Friends are the ones who we should feel at ease enough to be ourselves around—even more so than family for many of us. A good friend will make you feel secure enough in the relationship that you can do, say, and wear anything that represents you without feeling judged (or anything else for that matter). A toxic friend can make you feel like being you isn’t the right thing to do, which is never the case.
You don’t feel as confident when they’re around.
Have you ever had a friend that suddenly made you feel less fashionable, less beautiful, less smart, or just less than every time that you were around them? Supportive friends are able to build you up, even when you’re at your lowest. They should be able to tell you how pretty you look, even if you didn’t feel so beforehand.
Yet, toxic friends do the opposite. There’s something about them—or your relationship with them—that strips away your confidence. Usually, this happens slowly and subtly. Be conscious of your confidence levels around certain friends. If it takes a hit around that one specific person, then that’s not someone you’ll want to keep around for even five minutes.
You feel stressed out.
While it’s normal for any friendship to have some hiccups here or there, constant bickering or worrying is a sign of a toxic friend. You should not have to dread speaking to a friend because you just know you’ll leave the conversation with two extra grey hairs. A good friendship isn’t always easy, but a toxic one is always difficult.
You always compare yourself to them.
Do you at times feel like your friendship resembles Blair and Serena or Regina and Gretchen? Chances are you are in a toxic friendship, riddled with internal competition. Genuine friends are able to root you on without vying for your spot. A toxic friend may openly or secretly wish that they were you and even do whatever it takes to replace you. Sometimes, you may be the friend wishing to come out in first place. Regardless, a good friendship is never a competition; it’s a support system.
How Do I End a Toxic Friendship?
There’s no easy way to end any friendship. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Friendship breakups are sometimes more painful than relationship breakups because they’re usually unexpected. Many of us truly believe friendship shouldn’t end. However as unpleasant as it may sound, some friends are only meant to be there for a season—if they’re even supposed to be our friends at all. If you notice that your friendship is toxic:
Take a Break
Breaks aren’t selfish when you need a breather. Take however long you may need—from days to months—to step back and really process the situation. What exactly hurt you? Did you ever hurt them?
Set Boundaries
If, after careful consideration, you decide you want to keep or rekindle the friendship, define clear boundaries. Tell them explicitly what hurt you and make it clear that that behavior cannot continue. If they continue, that’s a sure sign of a toxic friend who is unwilling to grow. That relationship will only harm you if it continues.
Confide in Others
This is especially important if one of the signs of your toxic friendship was an inability to talk about your feelings. Sharing how the relationship impacted you to a therapist or other friends and family could be a key to healing. Talking with others can provide you an opportunity to better (and more safely) process than if you were to do it on your own, where your thoughts and feelings are not being validated by outside persons.
Moving Forward
Just as with any other ending, moving on can be a difficult and long-lasting process. You may have thoughts of resuming the friendship, which is not often the best thing to do. Or, you may consider trashing the person online which, even though it might feel good temporarily, usually results in more consequences and headaches.
Only you know what moving forward peacefully looks like to you. You may find that self-care—like more bubbles baths and longer nights of sleep—is beneficial to your healing journey. No matter what, always remember that you deserve good friends in your life.