13 Ways To Get Through That Uncomfortably Opinionated Family Dinner
Fall is quickly approaching with temperatures dropping, days getting shorter, and holidays popping up sooner than anticipated. Fall means family gatherings; usually with extended family that includes your opinionated aunt or uncle that never stops pushing their views across the dinner table. While continuing to push for social change, inclusivity, and healthy boundaries is at the forefront of our minds, it's unlikely that it is for all other family members. Here are a few tips on how to keep your cool while still standing up for yourself (and your beliefs!) to your most opinionated family members.
Make a No Talking About “X” Rule
There’s always those few topics that your opinionated family members could go on and on about that quickly turn into hostile arguments. Whether researched or not, they could talk about how they feel about this subject for days on end. Not only does this make for boring, repetitive conversation, but it also can lead to fights with other family members that don’t quite agree with the viewpoint of the family member.
At the beginning of the gathering, make it known that no one will be talking about “X” opinions. You can even make this a game by having someone put money into a jar if they bring it up. Whoever doesn’t have to pay into the jar gets to take the money at the end of the gathering!
This makes the rule not directed at anyone in particular and keeps people on their feet. No one wants to waste their money on a minute sound bite opinion.
Remove the Emotion Behind the Topic
This can be difficult, but try to look at your family member as a stranger when they talk about something you disagree with. It’s easy to conflate disagreeing on a topic with disagreeing with you as a person. However, if you remove this emotional attachment to the conversation, it just becomes a person sharing their opinion with you.
This way, you can either swiftly leave the conversation or disagree knowing you’re not endangering the relationship. Treat it like a conversation you’d have in the office with a co-worker. You wouldn’t want to make the office an uncomfortable space, so don’t turn the dining room into a place of discomfort, either.
Explore Their Point of View
Look at this conversation from an objective lens. You’re like a social scientist exploring the brain of a person you wouldn’t naturally agree with. Ask them open-ended questions and dive into why they feel this way. Don’t argue back.
It can be interesting to listen to someone that has nothing in common with you. In fact, it can affirm the beliefs you already had. Or, you may find that you actually can meet a common ground with this person. But if not, it’s no loss for you because you were objective with this conversation.
Know That You Won’t Change Their Mind
We often can get wrapped up in conversations with opinionated family members when we think we can change their mind. When you go into the conversation knowing that you won’t change their mind, the stakes are a lot lower on your end.
You won’t feel the need to correct every point they make, say your stance, or lay down your feelings. Even though you may be coming from a place of education, know that their opinion often won’t change and even if it can, that’s once in a blue moon. Pick your battles. Don’t sacrifice a nice holiday gathering over a no-win argument.
Why Are They Talking About This?
Sometimes family members do just want to stir up an argument. However, often these controversial conversations start because the person doesn’t know what to talk about. When they ask you questions that are too personal, give their unsolicited advice, or begin a political discussion, it’s often because they’re stuck on what to say.
Give them an out from the conversation by changing the subject. Ask about their life. (People love to talk about themselves.) Or, bring up a neutral topic. Be the one to give an interesting alternative to talk about aside from an opinionated and one-sided discussion.
Use “I” Statements
If you don’t want to have a conversation with this person any longer, excuse yourself using “I” statements. Say your grandma asks yet again why you’re single. Instead of pushing the blame onto her by saying, “Why are you asking?” or “That’s not your place to ask,” use “I” statements.
Tell them why you’ve chosen to live your life this way. Say statements like “I don’t want to settle down right now” or “I’m not emotionally ready to care for another person.” When all else fails, say: “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
This lets the family member know that it’s not something they did to provoke you, but instead your own personal situation that you don’t want to have to explain right now.
Disengage Yourself
Opinionated people are often looking for an argument. They want you to defend your position and fight against them. Instead, don’t give them the satisfaction. Smile and nod and disengage yourself from the topic or the conversation all together. Soon, they’ll grow bored of the conversation (or lack thereof) and move on to the next unsuspecting family member.
Have Activities
If you find that certain family members like to start discussions at the dinner table or around everyone, plan activities to distract from this conversation. It can be easy to change the subject when it’s a one-on-one conversation, but opinions can quickly spiral when more people are involved.
Plan a game for you to play before dinner or watch a movie or show before. This way, you have something to reference that everyone can relate over and say something about. Also, have conversation starters in the back of your mind that are engaging and about neutral topics.
Ask everyone to go around the table and say their favorite place they’ve traveled to, for instance. This allows everyone to have their own chance to speak and soon conversation will organically branch off from this conversation starter.
Turn to Positivity
When the conversation starts to get bogged down in negativity, turn it around and into a positive topic. Have a few ready to go. Think of positive news items that have happened to you recently or news that you heard about that pertains to them or your family, in general. This positive spin on things will calm their need to argue down and give you a much more relaxing conversation.
Say “Thank You”
A short sentence of an answer that ends with a “thank you” is a polite and direct way to end a conversation. It neutralizes the situation and clearly lets the person know that you don’t feel like talking about this subject any longer.
It’s an assertive statement that lets the family member know that you don’t want to have the discussion any further. Say it in a firm tone. If they continue on, just keep repeating it. They’ll eventually get the hint and move on from the conversation as you hoped.
Bring in Another Person
If you’re stuck in this back-and-forth conversation with a relative and it seems like it’s going nowhere, bring in another person. Say something about the relative you’re bringing in and call them over. Having a third person there immediately changes the dynamic. Before, the relative may have felt that this was a fight to see whose opinion could win out.
Now, that dynamic has changed with the addition of another person. Since the dynamic has changed, the topic at hand is likely to change, as well. All of this will happen very organically as you bring that new person into the mix.
Keep Your Distance
If you know what family members irk you and push your buttons every gathering, simply avoid them. Keep up conversation with the people you get along with and stay close by them. Avoid getting too close to the opinionated family member and getting trapped in their conversation.
This doesn’t have to mean you obviously running away from their advances. Instead, if you stay far enough away, they probably won’t make the effort to approach you. With opinionated relatives, they’ll talk to whoever is closest to them. They often won’t seek you out specifically to vent to.
Be Direct
If all else fails and the opinionated family member won’t let the conversation die down, be direct. Let them know that you will not tolerate aggressive and/or hostile conversation and would much rather engage in positive discussions. Say thank you and swiftly leave the conversation.
Good Luck!
At the end of the day, it’s your choice on how you want to deal with opinionated family members. Trust your gut and know that the holidays will be over soon. Hopefully, these tips will help!