What You Can Do If You Find Yourself (Or Loved One) In An Abusive Relationship
Trigger Warning: This post contains mentions of abuse and SA that may be distressing to readers.
We tend to believe that we’ll never be in an abusive relationship and neither would our friends or family. Many of us are confident that we would immediately leave these relationships and help our loved ones do the same. However, this is not the reality of the average American woman. Studies show that at least 1-in-3 women experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime (1). It’s important that we recognize the signs before it’s too late.
What Is An Abusive Relationship?
Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a subset of domestic violence. Whereas domestic violence can occur between a wide variety of partnerships/groups–ranging from parent and child to roommates–IPV only occurs between romantic partners, and is most often the focus when discussing abusive relationships and domestic violence.
An abusive relationship can best be defined as “a relationship where one person attempts to exert control and power over the other(s).” The abusive partner most often demonstrates what is known as a pattern of abuse, increasing in severity as the relationship continues (and even after it ends). Partners do not have to live together for an abusive relationship to occur.
What Are The Different Types Of Abuse?
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is the most recognizable form of abuse. It occurs when physical violence–or threats of–are used by one individual to exert power and control over another. Abusers often use physical violence or threats as “punishment” and to instill fear.
A few examples of physical abuse include:
Harming you, loved ones, or pets
Reckless driving with you in the car
Punching, biting, kicking, etc.
The use of weapons against you, loved ones, or pets. (Women who were assaulted or threatened with a gun by their partners were 20 times more likely to be killed.)
Strangulation
Important note: Strangulation and choking are often mistakenly used interchangeably. Choking occurs when something blocks your windpipe, such as a piece of food; strangulation, however, occurs when something–or someone–presses or squeezes your neck, whether with hands or by other means. Strangulation is very serious as it can quickly lead to seizures, permanent brain damage, and death. (Women who have been strangled by their partners are 10 times more likely to be murdered by their partner. (2))
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse–when an abuser attempts to control the victim's finances–occurs in 99% of abusive relationships (3).
Financial abuse can look like:
Monitoring your spending
Limiting how much you can spend/giving an allowance
Stealing money from you/joint accounts
Refusing to work or forcing you to be the sole breadwinner
Intentionally damaging your credit score and other financial reports like taxes
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse occurs when a partner forces or coerces the other partner(s) into engaging in nonconcensual sexual activity. When sexual abuse is present in a relationship, a woman is nearly 8 times more likely to be killed by her partner.
IPV sexual abuse can look like:
Knowingly giving you an STI
Holding you down to have sex
Using weapons during sex without your consent
Forcing or coercing you into having sex with other people
Forcing or coercing you into having sex when you don’t want to
Engaging in sexual kinks that make you uncomfortable
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse, occurs when a partner repeatedly uses bullying-like, verbal behavior to harm another’s mental health and self-esteem. Emotional abuse can be exceedingly hard to identify as it is often subtle. However, it can also be blatant.
Emotional abuse can look like:
Name-calling
Constant criticisms
Comparing you to other people
Humiliating you in private or in public
Setting unrealistic expectations and getting mad for not meeting them
Making you feel like you have to “walk a fine line” or “walk on eggshells” to avoid making them upset
Silent treatment as punishment
What Are The Signs Of An Abusive Relationship?
The majority of abusive relationships begin subtly for a number of reasons. In reality, abusers are not as easy to identify as they are in the movies. An abuser can wear an evil smirk or an award-winning smile; they can wear all black or all pink. In most cases, an abuser is someone you never would have suspected.
Similarly, there is no “perfect victim.” No two abuse victims act just alike. This is what makes the signs of an abusive relationship hard to spot.
Thankfully, there are a few common indicators of abuse to look out for:
“Love Bombing”
Also known as “coming on strong,” we often romanticize someone pulling out all the stops immediately, taking charge, and clearly expressing interest; love bombers will tell you everything you want to hear very early into the relationship. While not all love bombers are abusers, most abusers will begin the relationship with excessive romantic passion. They are charismatic and charming, at first.
Possessiveness
We often want someone who wants us all to themselves. We find it romantic when a lover can only picture themself with us (and vice versa). However, an abuser takes this ideology to an extreme. They can demand that you are only theirs. They may say things like “I’ll go crazy if I ever saw you with someone else” and mean it.
Control
Many of us want someone we can grow with and learn from; we want to become the best versions of ourselves with our soulmate by our side. An abuser will tell you what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. They will say things like “This is best for you.” They will slowly strip away your autonomy.
Isolation
An abuser's possessiveness has no bounds. They won’t stop at demanding that a victim is no longer friends with that flirtatious person at work. An abuser will slowly make sure that a victim stops seeing their friends, family, or anyone else. They do this to gain more control.
The Blame Game
An abuser will usually say they’re the victim. They’ll blame their parents, bosses, and even you. They’ll say everyone else promoted their behavior.
Gaslighting
An abuser will do anything to make you believe what they say. They’ll twist words or outright lie to make you feel crazy. They’ll invalidate your feelings and beliefs so much so that you no longer trust your own memory or emotions. They do this to make you rely on them even more.
Coercion
They repeatedly suggest something until you finally “agree.” This pattern of behavior is used in many ways, including sexually.
Tips For Leaving An Abusive Relationship
Make A Plan
Your plan should not be written. Your plan should include being prepared to leave at a moment’s notice. If possible, practice your plan in advance and make alternative plans or steps in case anything goes wrong. Memorize important numbers and addresses to contact without writing them down.
Use Code Words
Do not use direct speech that could notify your abuser. Use clever code words when communicating with kids, friends, and family. These code words could indicate it’s time for you to find a space for the night or leave immediately.
Find Spaces
Locate safe spaces within your home or local shelters that you can quickly escape to.
Do Not Tell Your Partner
Never tell your partner you are planning to leave. Domestic abuse victims face the most danger when their partner knows the relationship is ending.
The most important thing to remember is that the victim or survivor of domestic abuse is never to blame. If you find yourself or a loved one in an abusive relationship, know that you are not alone. You do have options. Make the safest decision for yourself and family while remembering that abuse is a pattern that rarely ends. Instead, it most often worsens.
Resources:
A List of Organizations that Can Assist All Types of Victims/Survivors
Government Sponsored Resources (including housing assistance programs)
Sources:
(1) Domestic Violence Statistics, thehotline.org
(2) The Dangers of Strangulation, thehotline.org
(3) About Financial Abuse, nnedv.org