From Golden Girls To Mommunes–How Single Women Are Changing The Rules

““The only drawback is that I didn’t know that we were ‘allowed’ to do this sooner.””

Let’s play a game. Type in “when women live together” or “why women live together” in your preferred search engine. What pops up for you?

When I played this game, about 11 articles came up between both searches. Eight of them wanted to know the truth of whether or not periods really do sync up when women live together. Two looked into how women and men perceive living with the opposite gender. The last article was a 2017 Quora inquiry that asked, “Is it true that two women cannot live together under the same roof?” The most upvoted answers? All said no. 

Searching similar phrases yielded similar (or more off beat) results. “What happens when women live together” brought up the same–or more–period synchronization posts. The results for “what are the benefits of women living together” almost completely strayed from the question, as most articles were about the pros and cons of (heterosexual) marital cohabitation. 

If search engines are the only indicators, it would appear that understanding why women choose to live together has not been worth exploring. In fact, some could interpret the nearly empty search engine results to say that women living together must hardly occur. 

The reality is less opaque if you know what you’re looking for. Women have lived together for centuries – yet usually, their living arrangements have had aliases. From “Boston Marriages” to “Mommunes,” clever aliases, as well as a public shroud of misunderstanding, have long followed female domestic partnerships. 

Where were “Boston Marriages”? 

Lifelong domestic partnerships between women were common in Europe for quite some time. Eventually, these partnerships would travel across the ocean and become commonplace in New England. 

During the late 19th century, you didn’t have to live in Boston to be in a “Boston Marriage,” nor did you have to get a marriage license there. You only needed to be a wealthy adult woman who lived with another wealthy woman, both financially independent from men. The two women didn’t need to be romantically involved though some–or many–were, depending on the source. (Boston Marriages are commonly brought up in Queer and Sappho history for that very reason.)

Oftentimes, and regardless of their sexual orientation, these wealthy women worked in academia. This type of nontraditional domestic partnership was so popular at Wellesley College, a private women’s liberal arts school a mere 30 minute drive from Boston, that another alias soon formed: the Wellesley Marriage.

Women in such marriages would benefit in many ways. By not marrying a man and instead opting to live with a woman (rather than as a lone spinster), they were able to keep the careers that they would otherwise have had to relinquish at their husband’s request. As another benefit, these women also retained more independence than many married women were allowed at that time. 

These domestic partnerships had a long, and socially acceptable, run up until the start of the roaring 1920s. Around that time, people began to realize that some Boston Marriages were more than just plutonic. Whether engaged in a lesbian relationship or not, society’s homophobia effectively put a stop to the practice as increasingly fewer women were able to live together without severe scrutiny and danger. 

Female Domestic Partnerships in the 20th Century

The demise of Boston and Wellesley Marriages still impacts us today. Domestic partnerships between adult women have yet to be as publicly embraced as often described in late 19th century New England. However, that doesn’t mean that these partnerships have stopped. On the contrary, nontraditional domestic partnerships amongst women have seen a slow revival in social acceptance. 

Thanks largely in part to the television show, The Golden Girls, the 1980s seemed to be a truly golden time for women living together with other women. The show depicted a mother, Sophia (played by Estelle Getty), her daughter, Dorothy (Bea Arthur), and two more friends, Rose and Blanche (Betty White and Rue McClanahan, respectively), navigating a shared residence filled with wit, laughter, and warmth. The unprecedented success of the hit show not only normalized elderly women living together in their golden years, but romanticized it. Many single women were able to look forward to growing old and living in solidarity with their girlfriends.

Domestic partnerships with women between the ages of 30 and 50, however, were not nearly as normalized. It would be nearly another 30-40 years for these partnerships to become more commonplace.

The Rise of the “Mommune”

Finding adequate housing as a single mother is not as simple as one would hope. The current rental crisis makes it almost impossible for a single parent to solely afford both a nice apartment/house and full-time childcare, unless they are making more than six figures per year. This means that a sizable number of single mothers are now turning to shared housing to manage their expenses. The options available for these living arrangements could include nearby family, co-living with a roommate, or living with other moms. For a growing number of mothers, the latter is the solution. 

A spin on the word commune, “mommunes” can be defined as two (or more) single mothers living together in an apartment, house, or on a shared land or property, with each individual sharing duties, just like regular co-parents. In this arrangement, they are able to share financial, household, and most importantly, parenting responsibilities with each other. Taking a look at social media, an increasing amount of women are expressing interest in communal living with other moms. For the ones already living on mommunes…well, they have no regrets.

“The only drawback is that I didn’t know that we were ‘allowed’ to do this sooner,” says Djemilah, a single mom of one.

Not too long ago, she and her child moved into an RV on a piece of land located in an unincorporated part of Texas. Living in a tiny house next to her was Brooke, a single mom of three and the owner of the spacious land. The pair weren’t exactly friends when they made the huge decision to live so close to each other.

“We took a chance on each other and didn’t expect it to become more than a tenant/landlord situation,” explains Brooke. “But we are glad we work so well together and shifted into more communal, collaborative living.” For these moms and their children, they don’t just live on any mommune, they’ve created their very own Magical Girl Mommune.

@magical_girl_mommune Hey, howdy! I’m Brooke, and i figured i should introduce myself. I live on a #mommune with my three kids, my friend and her daughter. This summer we’re starting a second tiny house build, while i work as a hired hand doing odd jobs and other building and DIY projects. 🏡 I built my own #tinyhouse last summer from a shed as a #shedconversion ♬ original sound - Magical_Girl_Mommune

And the most magical part of this mommune? Co-parenting their kids. “One of the reasons that things are able to flow on the property is because we do have similar parenting styles,” Djemliah shared with us. “Ultimately when it comes down to our own children, we make the call and we respect each other in that. Again, it comes down to communication and respect of one another. We keep each other in the loop, when things come up we talk it out and come up with a plan for the future.” 

““One of the reasons that things are able to flow on the property is because we do have similar parenting styles...Ultimately when it comes down to our own children, we make the call and we respect each other in that. Again, it comes down to communication and respect of one another.””

Brooke elaborated by sharing, “We always assume the best of each other, and approach any issue with a solution mindset. Having three preteen girls is a daily challenge of teaching them how to manage interpersonal relationships. And we often have to lead that ongoing conversation.”

When asked what other moms should look for in each other when thinking of moving to a mommune, both Djemilah and Brooke agree that finding a mom with similar parenting styles is paramount. The idea of living and sharing parental duties with another mother can be intimidating or, for some, off-putting; it may even be the biggest roadblock when a mom is considering moving onto a shared property. However, Brook and Djemilah are just two of the many mothers living on mommunes who show us that it’s possible to have a strong co-parenting relationship with another mom. For these two moms, co-parenting has not just been natural; it’s therapeutic. 

“I came home from a weekend away to find Djemilah had cleaned my entire house, and I wept in gratitude,” Brooke testified. “That was something that never would have happened in my marriage. This has been the gift of a lifetime and I would love to live communally for the rest of my life.” 

““As a single mother it’s very hard to live in a society that is built for two parent households. The mommune gives us many of the benefits of the two parent household without the complications that can come with a romantic partnership. It’s a built-in support system, it’s someone to help when you just need a second, it’s someone to brainstorm with, dream and even find work.””

“As a single mother it’s very hard to live in a society that is built for two parent households,” Djemilah shares. “The mommune gives us many of the benefits of the two parent household without the complications that can come with a romantic partnership. It’s a built-in support system, it’s someone to help when you just need a second, it’s someone to brainstorm with, dream and even find work. I am constantly in awe of what Brooke and I have been able to accomplish. From learning how to build a house together, raising 4 collective children, and supporting our families—the mommune has been such a healing space to be able to do so.”

Moms aren’t the only ones who can find healing on a mommune. The kids often find support, friendship, and siblinghood. ‘“My kids adore Djemilah and love having someone around who brings them to natural spaces, and facilitates play,” says Brooke. “They’re learning that family is also found. Family is what you make it. And I love our weird little family unit.” 

Women living with women: What was once naturally common for all became reserved for only the wealthy and white. What was once socially acceptable became scrutinized by homophobic beliefs. But what was once popularized for the elderly has now become a lifeline for single moms today. 

The dynamics of women living with women may have changed over time, but the message has always been the same. For some, female domestic partnerships can be, as Brooke put it, “weird little family units,” but at the core, they are special safe havens for women looking to make life a little easier for each other.

Perhaps Djemilah says it best. “Remember, life is hard. Motherhood is hard. We don’t always have to do it all alone.”