4 Steps to Change Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
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I knew I had unhealthy relationship patterns when my first impulse after getting dumped was to immediately find a new relationship. From the bed where I had collapsed crying, I looked back at my relationship past. I had never hurt this much and I had never spent much time alone (we are talking maybe a couple weeks of singledom) before pouring myself into someone new. They had to be correlated. I thought to myself, “I will feel better when I am with someone new.” To feel better sooner, I needed to find someone sooner.
It did not work out that way. However, when I was a blubbering mess, smearing snot on my sheets, numbing the pain with the rush of a new partner seemed like a pretty good idea. Rushing into new relationships was 100% an unhealthy pattern for me, but it did not start out that way. It had happened by chance once and, from there, I purposely continued the pattern. It had helped before, so why not now?
There comes a point when what was meant to protect starts to cause harm. For me, I found myself mourning the end of several relationships, necessary mourning that I had delayed with the band aid of someone new. After that experience, I became good at helping women heal their hearts because I had a ton of healing to do myself. Today I will share what works when you decide to change your own unhealthy patterns.
In this post, I will refer to patterns that no longer serve you as “unhealthy patterns,” however I propose that you think of these patterns in a more positive light. Unhealthy patterns are not inherently bad, so much as maladaptive. All unhealthy patterns were initially intended to protect; they started as survival mechanisms. Along the way, what started as a way to avoid or get us out of pain stopped serving our best interest.
““Unhealthy patterns are not inherently bad, so much as maladaptive. All unhealthy patterns were initially intended to protect; they started as survival mechanisms. “”
As we get older, we start to gain more awareness and we start wanting to go further than where our unhealthy patterns have gotten us. We start to see that there is a better way to be: a happier, more free way. The patterns that got you here no longer serve you.
Thank them. They have been working hard at protecting you. Thank them and then relieve them of their duties. It’s time for the new guard.
There are four steps to successfully changing unhealthy relationship patterns.
As you do this work, I highly recommend daily journaling. Journaling daily allows your thoughts and feelings to leave your body. Writing it out also slows your brain down, so you’re more able to see where there are alternative ways of thinking.
Become Open To New Ways of Thinking
You will always have free will. You can choose to change or you can choose to stay the same. It’s always your choice. If you want new results, you must choose to be open to new ways of thinking.
The choice is the first part. Then, you have to reprogram your brain.
Our brain filters the information around us using the reticular activating system (RAS). The RAS only lets in information that confirms your preexisting beliefs. Experts call this effect ‘confirmation bias.’ If you believe that you are unable to beat your unhealthy patterns and that there are no other options for you, you will only see proof that you cannot beat your unhealthy patterns and that no other options exist.
You can reprogram your RAS by changing your thoughts
The trick is to choose thoughts that you find believable, so you don’t write them off immediately. For example, my thought that led me to repeating my own patterns was, “I will only feel better when I find someone new.”
A pollyannaish thought would be, “I will feel better tomorrow!” Obviously, that is not very believable when you’re using your bed sheets as a tissue.
A better thought would be, “This too shall pass. I’m here for the ride. Feeling pain is part of being human; I don’t need to run from this.” This thought is believable because it accepts where you are, yet it is a shift in a positive direction.
You can also employ visualization to reprogram your RAS
By visualizing, you are giving your brain a new filter because your brain doesn’t know the difference between something that happened to you and something you imagined. Visualize yourself healing.
Watch as your back straightens; your tears lesson; your life becomes full of friends and travel; you learn about yourself; you grow and evolve as a person, becoming who you were meant to be; and eventually, when you have no lingering feelings for your ex, your eyes meet someone else’s across the room. By telling your brain that the intended outcome has already happened, your RAS will start letting in information that confirms this new reality.
Build Awareness
In order to change relationship patterns that are no longer serving you, you must become aware of them. You cannot change something you are not yet aware of. You may have an idea of what your unhealthy patterns are and there may be other ways you can improve your relationships you are not aware of yet.
Awareness comes through looking at something objectively. You cannot be aware of things you are in denial about. Notice how you can easily see what is happening in your friends' relationships but you refuse to believe your friends when they tell you what is happening in yours. To work around your ego, try looking at your past like it is someone else's story and not yours. What would you tell your girlfriend if this was her story?
Look at the last three most important relationships in your past and look for patterns. Like any good story, your relationship had a beginning, a middle, and an end. Here are some example questions to ask yourself for each phase of your relationships.
Beginning
How did you meet?
Where did you meet?
Who chased who? Was there a chase or were you both immediately on board?
How was the relationship initiated?
What was your first impression of him/her and was it accurate?
What initially attracted you to them? Think about physical, personality, and lifestyle aspects.
Middle
Are you finding partners who mirror you or fulfill what you think you lack? What aspects of them do you recognize in yourself? What aspects do you see in them that you think you lack?
What was the best part of the relationship? When were the best times? What were you doing? How long did the good times last?
How did they show up? Were they there for you emotionally, physically, or were they more distant? What did they do to show their love?
What do you now see as red flags that you ignored or didn’t recognize initially?
Ending
Why did the relationship end?
Who ended it and how?
Was there a slow decline or a sudden decision?
Make a Plan
Planning is essential. We as humans are not known for our ability to think clearly when emotions are swirling. In order to not let all your work being open to new ways of thinking and recognizing your unhealthy relationship patterns go to waste, planning will be essential.
Plan for the circumstances where your unhealthy patterns might pop up:
When your ex texts you out of the blue
When you run into an ex out in the world
When you want to check their social media
For example, when I wanted to check my ex’s social media, my plan of action was that I was never allowed to look at night. I knew that my mood went down with the sun and looking at his social media profile would make me spiral, disrupt my sleep, and leave me feeling even worse the next day. So if I felt like looking, I’d wait until morning, and then I’d allow myself. The second part of my plan was to always workout afterwards. Looking at his social media never made me feel good, but then my prescription of endorphins would kick in and lift my mood again.
Put a procedure in place for any circumstance that might throw you off so you don’t have to think; you only have to follow the pre-decided steps when you are triggered.
Commit to Yourself
You must commit to this. Commit right now, when you are fired up and ready to change for the better. But you will not always feel this inspired. You have to commit to this work even when you are not inspired. Even when you feel broken. Even when you have no time. Even when you’re stressed and don’t know how to go on.
Each day you wake up, you need to recommit to this work. Every time you stumble, you have to recommit. Again and again.
Commit to yourself at the start, moment to moment, every day, week after week, choose and commit to YOU. When you commit to choosing to stop people pleasing, stop accepting crumbs from others, and start setting the bar higher, you choose you.
Choose you, because you are worth it.
——————
For me, my thought that I would only feel better when I was in a new relationship was not serving me. Because the reality was wherever I went, and whoever I was with— there I was.
I rewired my thoughts and my brain so that I now wholly believe that the gap between partners is irrelevant. Whether I am with someone new or single, I will be at the stage of my healing that I am. How I feel and my relationship status are as separate as Pangea.
That was the thought that set me free from self-judgement and regret. I could have reworked my mind to believe that entering new relationships so fast was “bad” and I should never do it again. However, that thought caused me to ruminate and regret the past because I was guilty of that “sin.” So, I found the thought that would release me from the past and give me a future.
If you find yourself cringing at something you did, remember that unhealthy patterns started out as a way to protect you. Tell yourself: I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.
““If you find yourself cringing at something you did, remember that unhealthy patterns started out as a way to protect you. Tell yourself: I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.””
You did the best you could.
And now, you are working on doing better.
Author Bio:
Clair Lofthouse, a certified breakup and relationship coach, helps women get over their ex while changing unhealthy relationship patterns so they never ignore red flags again. She is also a fitness junkie and self-proclaimed crazy cat lady. You can find her on Instagram @heartbreakglowup and Facebook at Clair Lofthouse Coaching. For free resources and to learn more about coaching, check out at clairlofthouse.com.