Self-Compassion: The Ultimate Tool For Being Nicer To Yourself

Whenever you find yourself not reaching your goals, how do you talk to yourself about that? Do you call yourself a failure, worthless, or not good enough? When you are having a bad mental health day, what stories are you telling about yourself, to yourself? Do you tell yourself that you’re broken or deserve to feel this way?

My inner narrative looked like this for a long time. I was the meanest to myself, often because I thought if someone else was going to say something mean to me, it would sting less because I had already said it to myself.

However, when it comes to my friends, I am gentle and compassionate. Whenever my friends don’t reach their goals like they thought they would, I tell them that there is no timeline. I tell them that things can change and what is meant for them will find its way to them.

If they are having a bad mental health day, I ask:

What can I do to support you?

What would feel good for you right now?

Have you eaten, had a glass of water, or moved your body lately? 

I approach my friends with the utmost compassion, so why can’t I do the same for myself? This is a question my therapist asked me one day and I was taken aback by it because I had never considered treating myself with compassion. 

““Instead of just ignoring your pain with a ‘stiff upper lip’ mentality, you stop to tell yourself: ‘This is really difficult right now. How can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?’”

What is Self-Compassion?

According to Kristin Neff, author of the Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, “Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself [as you do your loved ones] when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a ‘stiff upper lip’ mentality, you stop to tell yourself: “This is really difficult right now. How can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?” 

Many people mistake self-compassion for self-pity, self-indulgence, or having high self-esteem. In fact, it’s none of these things. In our modern, Western world, many are focused on hyperindividualism and operate from a “boot-strap” mentality that asks us to “toughen up.” Instead of being encouraged to feel our feelings, we are told to shove them away or are taught to intellectualize them until we are so dissociated from our bodies that there’s no room for emotions or self-compassion. Self-compassion, instead, allows us to move through those feelings, connect deeper with what we need, and fiercely (yet, tenderly) communicate them to those closest to us.

Self-compassion is also misunderstood as toxic positivity in action. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Self-compassion is acknowledging that what you are going through is difficult, complicated, or frustrating. It’s a practice that allows us to honor our own experience, not “optimist our way out of it.” It’s also important, depending on your identity, that your self-compassion is intersectional. Trauma, oppression, and marginalization can not only impact the way people treat us, but also the ways we speak to ourselves. We live in a culture of systemic oppression, which means self-compassion is a part of deconstructing the narrative that we have to prove our worth or are somehow less worthy because of the identities we occupy. While self-compassion may not change the systemic structures in place, it can help us access the interconnectedness that is essential to healing and survival.

““Instead of being encouraged to feel our feelings, we are told to shove them away or are taught to intellectualize them until we are so dissociated from our bodies that there’s no room for emotions or self-compassion.””

How does self-compassion encourage interconnectedness?

When we begin to unlearn this hyperindividualism we’re taught, we begin to realize that we are interconnected in every way. Self-compassion asks us to tap into our empathy, shift our perspective, and approach our experience in a non-judgmental way. It also invites us to recognize that our experience does not happen in a vacuum—that there are likely other people who experienced what we are—which allows us to ask for help and feel less alone in our experience. 

How can we be more self-compassionate?

Changing our inner dialogue is definitely not an easy task, but when we begin to notice it, there are some ways we can change the way we talk to ourselves in difficult situations. One of my favorite tips and tricks that my therapist gave me was to give my inner-self a different name. I’ve heard some people name their inner critic Roger, Mrs. Honey (yes, from Matilda), or even think of yourself as your little child self.

This is a good place to begin when we’re trying to change our inner dialogue towards ourselves because it can be difficult to go from speaking so harshly to being more gentle with ourselves. When we think of our inner critic as someone or something else, it may be easier for us to tap into that empathy and talk to ourselves in a softer, more tender way.

You wouldn’t say all those mean things to a kid, would you? How about Ms. Honey? Or just another stranger? If you can speak kinder to someone else, you can speak kinder to yourself as well.

Will self-compassion make my bad emotions go away?

While I wish it were the case, self-compassion doesn’t make our suffering go away. Instead, self-compassion equips us with more tools to cope with that suffering. In fact, when you are first practicing self-compassion, you may experience some grief around how harsh you were to yourself before. But once you start to practice with consistency, you’ll notice that you will have more tools to talk yourself through a difficult experience and have more confidence to ask those around you for help when you need it.

Self-compassion helps us access our common humanity, and when we remember that we are human, it can become easier to allow our emotions to enter, ebb, flow, and move on. After all, it is said that most emotions only last for 90 seconds when we actually allow ourselves to fully feel them. That’s 90 seconds of kindness that we can offer ourselves on the days when feelings are more difficult than others.

How can self-compassion help us put up boundaries?

One of the kindest things we can do for ourselves is put up boundaries that make us safe and emotionally fulfilled. When we begin to speak to ourselves with a gentler voice, we often begin to see where others aren’t offering that same gentleness. This means that we must begin to stand firm in our boundaries. This means we often need to put our needs first over the needs of others or communicate clearly what our needs are to the people we love.

Of course, our needs may not always be met (which is where self-compassion can help as well), but when we begin to understand our worth and accept that we are inherently worthy and do not have to earn love, care, or nurturing, it allows us to put boundaries in place that are in line with our values and take actions in ways that protect us and those around us.

““The final thing to remember about self-compassion is that it’s called a practice for a reason—not a destination. There is no end goal in self-compassion; it’s about being mindful.””

The final thing to remember about self-compassion is that it’s called a practice for a reason—not a destination. There is no end goal in self-compassion; it’s about being mindful. If we can show up to ourselves every day with a little more kindness, our inner dialogue can begin to shift. There may be days where everything feels terrible, but by being mindful and compassionate to ourselves and others, we can guide ourselves through the harder times with more tenderness and ease.