5 Signs It's Time To Break Up With Your Therapist + Find A New One

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When I first started therapy, I didn’t know what “success” looked like. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be feeling or how to reach my goals. After I started, it quickly became apparent what I didn’t want, but my default was just ghosting my therapist if it didn’t feel like it was the right fit.

I didn’t have the tools or the language to ask for what I wanted or what moving on in a non-ghosting way looked like. When I finally found a therapist that aligned with my goals, I saw her for over 5 years. It was such a good fit but had to stop seeing each other because I was moving out of state. The break-up was mutual. 

After I found a new therapist when I moved, I slowly realized that she wasn’t serving me and my needs in the way I needed her to. But I also knew that ghosting her wasn’t the right thing to do because I had more tools and language for it than I used to.  The truth is: therapy is an uncomfortable process at times.

““The truth is: therapy is an uncomfortable process at times.””

It can be difficult and it can be tricky to know what is just feeling uncomfortable and what is a red flag that you may need to move on from. If you’re not quite sure if you need to break up with your therapist, here are some of these things to consider when knowing if it’s time to move on and what finding a new one looks like.

You leave your therapy sessions wanting more

One of the biggest ways I knew that it was time for me to move on to someone else is that I felt like, no matter how hard I tried, I was leaving my sessions wanting something more—more time, more insight, more resources. If you leave your sessions feeling like you just aren’t gaining the tools you are seeking out, it may be time to switch it up.

You don’t trust your therapist enough to open up

While it does take some time to feel comfortable with a new therapist, if some time has passed and you still aren’t sure if you can be your full and authentic self, it may be time to move on. There are various reasons why that wall might still be up, and maybe it’s something you can discuss with your therapist. Ultimately, if you still can’t get to a trusting place to dive deep into what you need to work through, it’s time to find someone new.

You feel that your therapist can’t honor your intersections

A part of therapy that is not talked about enough is how our identities inform our experiences so deeply, and if we don’t have a therapist that is culturally competent, that can really impact our care. If you feel like you can’t bring every intersection you occupy to the table, are not getting the specific care around navigating that intersection, or your therapist can’t respect, relate, or support you in that, you need to find someone who can.

““If you feel like you can’t bring every intersection you occupy to the table...or your therapist can’t respect, relate, or support you in that, you need to find someone who can.””

You have asked to shake things up, but nothing is changing

An important part of therapy is giving your therapist feedback. Even if they don’t necessarily ask for it, if you feel like something needs to change, you do have a responsibility to speak up. If you’ve given that feedback and you still aren’t seeing those changes happen, your therapist might not be able to give you the kind of care you’re looking for and it’s okay to tell them that you need to look for someone else.

You show up to therapy with nothing to talk about or you feel like you no longer need to go

For some people, therapy is only needed for certain seasons of life. If you continue to show up to sessions feeling like you have nothing to talk about, a couple of things could be happening. You could truly be in a place where you have worked on all your goals and are at a point that you may be able to take a break from therapy. You don’t always have to break up with a therapist because it’s not working out. You may need to break up with them because it is working and has worked. There’s such a celebration in that! If you still feel like you want to pursue therapy, it might be time to find a therapist who can challenge you if the one you have isn’t doing so.

After you’ve considered these things and decided it’s time to break up with your therapist, here are some things to think about when finding a new one:

What To Think About Before you find a new therapist

Make sure you talk to your current one

No one likes to be ghosted. It’s hard to communicate when your needs aren’t being met for whatever reason, but it’s a really great practice to be upfront about why you’re thinking about moving on. Maybe your therapist can actually talk to you about those changes and you can work together. If they can’t make the changes you are looking for, they will celebrate you in this new season because all they want is the best care for you.

““So much about finding a therapist is like dating and if you know what you’re looking for, you’ll be able to weed out the red flags and find the people who match your green flags.””

Research other therapy modalities

There are so many different types of therapists. If the therapy techniques or modality your therapist is specialized in wasn’t right for you, consider looking for someone who specializes in something else. Maybe it’s time to try something like EMDR, somatics, or internal family systems. There are so many modalities to research and try outside of just talk therapy!

Make a list of your therapy non-negotiables

When you are reaching out for consultations with new therapists, having this list will make it easier to communicate to them what you are looking for. So much about finding a therapist is like dating and if you know what you’re looking for, you’ll be able to weed out the red flags and find the people who match your green flags. Some questions to consider may be:

• What made you choose the modality you’re working in? 

• Do you have any plans to become trained and licensed in a new modality?

• Have you served clients of my background, identity, and/or belief system in the past?

• What training have you completed to serve people of my background?

• What work have you done to challenge your own personal biases?

• What does an appointment look like with you?

• How do you help your clients set and reach their goals?

• What is the best way to communicate feedback to you?

Use online resources

When looking for a new therapist, a great place to start is somewhere like the Inclusive Therapist Directory to find a therapist that can honor your intersections or try out some filters on Psychology Today to find therapists that work in the specialty you are looking for. You can also check out a lower-cost option, Open Path Collective, and start there.

At the end of the day, going to therapy is a huge step into bravery and, like any other breakup, it can feel like a bummer if it doesn’t work out. But ultimately, your healing is for you and no one else. You deserve the best. Working towards a therapist-client relationship that helps you become the best version of yourself is the goal. Your therapist—past, present, or future—is rooting for you.